Why do we do what we do when it comes to money? The answer: We behave according to what we believe, or rather—we react without thinking based on what we unconsciously believe.

So how do you figure out what you believe? There are many ways. David Krueger in his new book, The Secret Language of Money, talks about getting in touch with your “money story”, so I wanted to share his suggestions. It’s important to understand that we use stories to make sense of our world. It is part of being human—though we are not always aware of the stories we tell ourselves. We use stories to simplify complex circumstances and to help us order our personal universe. And if something doesn’t fit our internal story, we either ignore it or change the circumstances to fit it….

So the question is, what is your money story? What is the story you tell yourself about money? Krueger suggests this:

1. Write down three significant “money memories” (These could be positive or negative incidences/ memories)
2. Why is each experience significant to you? What are the emotions around each one?
3. What is the story you tell yourself to make sense of each incidence? What did this experience “prove” to you? Krueger suggests that you imagine telling someone your experience and then end the telling with, “The moral of this story is…”

Don’t assume these are about negative experiences. Your significant money experiences may be how excited you were at landing your first job, or stealing something and getting caught, a broken financial promise in your family, hearing your parents fight about money, or a saying your family had about money.

If you recall an incident related to money, good or bad, you likely still remember it because it was highly emotional. We remember and store things if they are emotionally “charged”. Otherwise, we’re likely to forget. So what are the feelings surrounding each story?

What story does each experience prove? You told yourself a story about each thing, good or bad.

Emily remembered that when she was 15, her mom sent her to the store to buy some groceries. But apparently she bought the wrong things. When she got home, her mom berated her and told her, “I can’t trust you to go to the store! That was good money you squandered!”

Who knows if this is what Emily’s mom actually said. But that is how Emily remembers it. It was a significant memory to her because she felt so bad- she felt she let her mom down, she was embarrassed, she felt she failed and that she wasn’t very smart. Wow. In fact, the incident was so painful that instead of recalling it over and over, she just made up a story to make sense of it all. (That is what we do!) The story she told herself was, “I’m not very smart with money. I can’t be trusted with money.”

As an adult, she lives out this simplified story in many ways. She continues to “make the story true” since it is her story. As you can imagine, she does things that she doesn’t feel are very smart financially. Then she beats herself up.

But once she became aware of her story, she could see how it played out for her. Then she chose to consciously tell herself a new story.

So what about you? What is your money story? What is the story about money you’ve been telling yourself? How long have you been telling yourself this story?

Are you tired of this story and ready to write a new one?