Overspending simply means spending more than you have, spending more than you intended, or spending in ways that just don’t feel right for you.

But so often, when we spend excessively, the irony is that we are often spending on surface wants and not attending to our true needs. When clients share a story of overspending, we often take the opportunity to explore it deeply and get to the root cause.

For example, “Veronica” told me the story of buying expensive rhinestone earrings. She was upset at the purchase, which she felt she could not afford. And she was perplexed. She had a well thought out spending plan for the month that included a good plan for buying clothes for a big work party, but had gone far beyond this plan with the jewelry purchase. She was staring at the discrepancy between her plan and the reality of what she spent. When we explored it, we went back to the “scene of the crime”.

“Tell me the story,” I said. “Where were you and what were the circumstances?”

She proceeded to tell me that she had left work late, after talking to her brother on the phone. She had run to Nordstrom to look at clothing, while feeling distracted over her conversation with her brother.  I asked her what the surface need was. She said, “Look good for the party!”

I gently inquired about what was important about looking good for the party.

She paused. “I don’t want to feel frumpy. I want to feel attractive.”

“What’s important about feeling attractive?”

She paused thoughtfully and chewed on her lip. I asked her where she was. She replied that she was thinking about her brother. He had briefly shared with her his plans of buying a diamond necklace for his wife’s birthday. I asked my client how this made her feel.

“I don’t want to be alone. I want to have a relationship like theirs!”

As we explored more, she came to realize that she bought the expensive earrings, not to complete the party outfit, but rather to feel attractive. She kept thinking about that diamond necklace her sister-in-law was receiving, and saw that she was equating jewelry with love and relationships. She said she hoped she would feel attractive enough to date again.

As we talked about it, she came to see that the earrings had very little to do with the upcoming work party and more about her feelings on being single and wanting a partner.   The truth was that she was lonely.

Karen McCall writes in her book, Financial Recovery, “I’ve observed that chronic overspending comes from a deep internal state of longing. The over-spender keeps trying to fill an emotional void by buying things.”

At first it feels great- in the moment perhaps. But if you come home and feel “not right”, like my client, chances are you were trying to fulfill a deeper, unspoken emotional need. The question is- what is this deeper need? Can you name it? That is the first step to spending your money in a more fulfilling way- spending on your true needs first, before your wants.

Veronica, after exploring this, decided to pay for a nice on-line dating site. “Who knows if it will work,” she told me laughing. “But apparently the deeper issue here isn’t about having the perfect pair of earrings. If I’m going to spend money, it might as well be on something related to what would actually fulfill me!”

Looking at spending is one of the most powerful personal growth techniques there is. Allow yourself to dive deeper and notice what your true needs really are.

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