One day a few weeks ago, I turned the key in my door with my son beside me, and instantly I knew—something was wrong. (I KNEW I had thrown that deadbolt.) I walked in with my heart pounding, sensing something was amiss. I walked straight to the TV cabinet where the flat screen, Xbox and other entertainment devices lived, and yanked the door open. EMPTY. Only wires and dust greeted me. I stared and stared, and then with a jolt I ran into the kitchen where I had left my (very) old smart phone on the kitchen counter. I upgraded a couple of months ago to an IPhone, and had not taken the pictures off my old phone yet….

It was gone. With all the pictures on it.

I went into the living room and sank onto the floor- and started to cry. After a few minutes, I realized I needed to call the police and see what else was missing….

Time passes. I am okay. But what is clear to me is what I am the saddest about. It is not my stolen STUFF but my lost pictures. They captured a year of experiences- family holiday dinner parties, outings with my son, my first trip to Europe, his 13^th birthday party.   So while the insurance company talked dollars, I only thought about those lost pictures.

In a recent blog I wrote about the hotly debated connection between money and happiness. At first, after this burglary, I felt there was no connection between money and happiness. I didn’t care about the expensive stolen TV. But on reflection, I realized that my experiences- some of them- cost money too. And spending money on them had given me a lot of happiness.

The truth is that there IS a connection between money and happiness, if what you spend your money on are experiences. Studies even confirm this truth. And the fact that I spent a week crying about my pictures and not the two stolen laptops and TV, cements this truth forever in my heart.

Researcher Leaf Van Boven, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of Colorado at Boulder has found that we’re happier when we choose experiences over material things.  It’s about doing, rather than owning. Whether it’s vacationing on the coast, taking a pottery class, learning to play the guitar or going on a hike to Mt. Rainer, “Experiences contribute to the process of self-actualization,” Van Boven reported.  Part of the reason is that experiences translate into memories, while “stuff” quickly loses its luster after the thrill of the purchase.  (Read more: Can Money Really Buy Happiness? – Good Housekeeping) Luckily, I do have my memories!!! But pictures help me remember.

Experiences help us become the type of people we want to become. And we enjoy reflecting on our experiences- we like making memories.  It’s one reason we take pictures- to re-live the moment. We rarely take pictures of stuff we bought. (Though truth be told, my insurance company wishes I did!!) We become who we want to be and we create memories of where we’ve been and what we’ve done. And in the meantime, we are enjoying living life in the present.

For example we love to travel because it nourishes our sense of adventure, our social nature and meeting the unknown.   We enjoy anticipating it- planning it. We love the actual experience. And we like to think about it and remember it when it’s over.  I had a million pictures of France….

Buying a new blouse never gives us all that.

Travel costs money. Many experiences cost money. And these experiences bring us far more enjoyment than stuff. It’s really about spending money on what you value.

Of course there are many experiences that are free. As human beings, we thrive on discovering and experiencing new things. Make a list of all the experiences you can take part in that are free. From hikes to connecting with people in new ways to trying out a new hobby. This is where our happiness comes from- not stuff.

What we buy does not make us happy in the long run. It’s who we become that makes us happy.

I think I’ll go take more pictures.

Want more help transforming your relationship to money? Check out all the eBooks, audios, and more robust products Mikelann has created. Are you ready to break free of the “money fog” and step into earning what you are worth? Are you are ready to get in touch with your emotions so you never feel out of control around money again? Are you ready to love your financial life? Let Mikelann help you get there. Free items are at the top of the page.

We’ve all heard the heated debate – does having money make you happy? Most of us respond emphatically: No! However, if we are honest, most of us would also add a caveat – money does not bring happiness, assuming you have “enough” money to begin with.

Of course that is where it gets interesting.

How do we define “enough”?

“Enough money” is obviously very personal.  But there IS a correlation between money and happiness, if someone’s basic needs are NOT being met. If you don’t have enough money to buy the food you need and pay for decent shelter and clothing, then it‘s true that having more money will indeed make you happier.

Beyond that is where it gets dicey. What is barely enough to one person is considered lavish by another, and one person’s decadence is classified as a basic necessity by someone else.

Most studies do agree, though, that once someone reaches “middle class”, more money does not yield more happiness. Currently, these studies (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2019628,00.html ) say that in the United States, satisfaction rises with income until yearly income reaches $75,000 (or perhaps as high as $120,000 depending on how expensive your area of the country is). After that, researchers have trouble proving that more money makes that much of a difference. Other factors – like the quality of your marriage and your health – become more relatively important than money.

Interestingly, women are more offended then men by the notion that money equals happiness. Why? I’ve noticed that women have a harder time connecting money to things that are really important to them. Women say they don’t need/like money, but they say they need/desire financial security and peace of mind. Women seem to be concerned that people will think they equate happiness with “stuff”.  And it’s true that “stuff” costs money. But so does feeling financially secure.

So the question becomes, how much money do you need to feel secure and have peace of mind? What is this number? Because beyond that, most agree that that there are other things in life that are more important than money.

Want more help transforming your relationship to money? Check out all the eBooks, audios, and more robust products Mikelann has created. Are you ready to break free of the “money fog” and step into earning what you are worth? Are you are ready to get in touch with your emotions so you never feel out of control around money again? Are you ready to love your financial life? Let Mikelann help you get there. Free items are at the top of the page.

Do you ever feel triggered? Do you ever find yourself spending money you didn’t intend, but you do it anyways? Sometimes I feel almost defiant when I’m in this mode. “I know I didn’t plan this. But screw it! I’m buying this!” Usually, it is because I’m triggered.

Over the years, I’ve gotten in touch with my own spending triggers. Knowing them has helped me avoid being triggered in the first place and better able to analyze my own overspending when it does happen. Thinking about triggers also helps us not beat ourselves up so bad. Everyone overspends sometimes. But if you can then think about WHY you spent the way you did, you’re less likely to fall into that trap again. Yes, you can actually use overspending as a personal growth experience!

Here are four kinds of triggers:

Emotional State Trigger: Many of us overspend if we are emotionally triggered. It can be similar with eating. If we just had an awful fight with our husband, we may turn to food to make us feel better or we may spend money to feel better. Sometimes we spend when we are depressed. We feel like buying something to lift our spirits. Sometimes we spend when we are lonely. What about you? In what emotional state are you most likely to overspend? If you name it, you can come up with some alternatives before that feeling hits you. Besides ice cream and the mall, what else would make you feel better?

Situational Trigger: Sometimes it doesn’t matter what emotional state we’re in. We know that when we go shopping with our friend Ellen, we tend to overspend. Or we may notice that whenever we are kid-free, we head to the mall to relax. Some situations just lend themselves to overspending. For me, when I had an entire day to myself with no plans, I could easily overspend. Once I identified this, I was able to stop spending simply because I had no plans! (This was also likely related to my divorce. I suddenly had some weekends without my son and I felt a bit “adrift”. This just goes to show you that many situational triggers have an emotional component to them as well.)

Location Trigger: Some places trigger me, no matter how I’m feeling. Certain places just seem designed to suck money out of my wallet. For me, it is the center isle of Costco, where all those “you never know what will be there/ great values” lurk. I’ve had countless clients report the same thing- the dangers of that alluring isle. I also get triggered at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I walk in there and I just want to spend money. If you are trying to be careful with your spending, it may be best to stay away from certain locations, unless you’ve got a solid plan for how you want to spend your money.

Bio Trigger: People tend to spend more when they are hungry. So if you are hungry, don’t go shopping! Eat first, plain and simple. I’m not saying that you don’t want to go out to lunch when you go out shopping. But if you hit the mall or your errands on an empty stomach, you tend to overspend without thinking through your plan. You get a bit “fuzzy” and power through your shopping, throwing money at things instead of stopping to take care of yourself first.

So what about you? What your triggers? For each of these four areas, can you come up with a personal example? The more you think about this, the less likely you are to blindly overspend.

We all have our triggers. Name yours.

Why do we do what we do when it comes to money? The answer: We behave according to what we believe, or rather—we react without thinking based on what we unconsciously believe.

So how do you figure out what you believe? There are many ways. David Krueger in his new book, The Secret Language of Money, talks about getting in touch with your “money story”, so I wanted to share his suggestions. It’s important to understand that we use stories to make sense of our world. It is part of being human—though we are not always aware of the stories we tell ourselves. We use stories to simplify complex circumstances and to help us order our personal universe. And if something doesn’t fit our internal story, we either ignore it or change the circumstances to fit it….

So the question is, what is your money story? What is the story you tell yourself about money? Krueger suggests this:

1. Write down three significant “money memories” (These could be positive or negative incidences/ memories)
2. Why is each experience significant to you? What are the emotions around each one?
3. What is the story you tell yourself to make sense of each incidence? What did this experience “prove” to you? Krueger suggests that you imagine telling someone your experience and then end the telling with, “The moral of this story is…”

Don’t assume these are about negative experiences. Your significant money experiences may be how excited you were at landing your first job, or stealing something and getting caught, a broken financial promise in your family, hearing your parents fight about money, or a saying your family had about money.

If you recall an incident related to money, good or bad, you likely still remember it because it was highly emotional. We remember and store things if they are emotionally “charged”. Otherwise, we’re likely to forget. So what are the feelings surrounding each story?

What story does each experience prove? You told yourself a story about each thing, good or bad.

Emily remembered that when she was 15, her mom sent her to the store to buy some groceries. But apparently she bought the wrong things. When she got home, her mom berated her and told her, “I can’t trust you to go to the store! That was good money you squandered!”

Who knows if this is what Emily’s mom actually said. But that is how Emily remembers it. It was a significant memory to her because she felt so bad- she felt she let her mom down, she was embarrassed, she felt she failed and that she wasn’t very smart. Wow. In fact, the incident was so painful that instead of recalling it over and over, she just made up a story to make sense of it all. (That is what we do!) The story she told herself was, “I’m not very smart with money. I can’t be trusted with money.”

As an adult, she lives out this simplified story in many ways. She continues to “make the story true” since it is her story. As you can imagine, she does things that she doesn’t feel are very smart financially. Then she beats herself up.

But once she became aware of her story, she could see how it played out for her. Then she chose to consciously tell herself a new story.

So what about you? What is your money story? What is the story about money you’ve been telling yourself? How long have you been telling yourself this story?

Are you tired of this story and ready to write a new one?

As a money coach, I ask new clients about their relationship to food.

What? Why am I asking that? Because food issues and money issues are VERY related. They are the two most common things we turn to, to make ourselves feel better.

Think of it this way– when we are depressed, sad or angry, many of us will eat to make ourselves feel better or we’ll spend money to feel better. They are also how we sooth ourselves when we feel anxiety.

How about you? Have you ever had a bad fight with a friend or a boss and then found yourself out shopping? Or perhaps indulging in some yummy ice-cream?

We also turn to spending or eating when faced with fear of deprivation. When people start a weight loss program, for example, it is common for their spending to spiral out of control. They are afraid of being deprived in one area of their life so they turn to another area to indulge and prove to themselves that they are okay.

I’ve had many clients sheepishly confess to me that before coming to their first appointment with me they did some major shopping. Why? They were afraid that when they really looked at their money, they’d see they wouldn’t have enough. Now I know the truth is that when you truly look and learn how to take control of your finances, you learn how to truly take care of yourself. There is enough. But the initial fear is that of deprivation.

Food and money swing in the same orbit. We use food and money to reward ourselves. We use food and money to punish ourselves. (Sometimes we don’t spend enough money on ourselves and we don’t eat enough. We also deprive ourselves by underearning.)

Food and money are also related because they are both socially sanctioned. What I mean is this—you may have a major spending or eating issue, but no one calls you on it. However, if you have a cocaine issue, eventually (hopefully) someone will call for an intervention. Now you may say that food and money are both “legal substances”, so we don’t call anyone on their addiction to them. True. But so is alcohol.

I find that yet another reason food and money are so related is that there is no hard core “bottom line” for either. You can’t say to yourself, “I just won’t eat.” or “I just won’t spend money.” You have to eat and you have to spend. So what is the right amount? This where it gets very personal. You need to discover, for you, what your ‘bottom line behaviors” are around money. And they may be different than someone else’s.

For me, my bottom line financial behaviors are to track where I spend my money. If I don’t do this, I go into a money fog. And it’s so easy to overspend if I’m in a fog. I mean, hey—maybe everything’s okay, right?

Like it or not, food and money can be very related, though many of us tend to have one we turn to more than the other. So consider this all food for thought. What about you? What you’re feeling super emotional, do you turn more to spending or eating? What are you aware of?