During a recent Web TV interview for www.WhitneyandWyatt.com (I’ll post it as soon as I get it) they asked me, “What is one thing that women can do to stop underselling themselves?” Only one thing??!! But then I had it—“Practice the Pause”. The next time someone asks you to volunteer your time, discount your services or asks for something that you feel a tiny bit guilty saying no to, simply refrain from answering for a moment. Let them keep talking. Then say, “Let me think about this and get back to you.” This simple technique is incredibly effective. So often we say yes out of guilt, and then resent the time something takes, or the discount we are giving. So if you can’t say no on the spot, simply don’t say yes. Practice “The Pause”.
I practiced this today when someone called me up and asked me to give a free local talk. I needed time to sort out if it was worth it to me. Of course they wanted an answer from me right then. Too bad! I told them I would have to get back to them. Now I am sitting with it. Is it worth it? What do I need to get out of it to not resent the time it would take? But if I didn’t give myself “The Pause”, I wouldn’t have time to think deeply about it and reflect on what works for me. Practice The Pause.
Using “Let me get back to you” can be extremely effective. In my workshop, Uncommon Confidence, we discuss saying “no” to commitments, relationships, whatever that don’t serve our authentic self and one of the tips that I recommend is exercising our right to not commit right away e.g. “Thank you for thinking of me. I’ll send you an email either way / call you tomorrow / etc.”. Practicing the pause is a great way to feel more confident about saying “no”.
Learning to think before answering is invaluable. Wanting to please or at least avoid conflict can take one into all sorts of obligations.
I’ve also gotten more selective about grabbing the phone, especially if I’m in the middle of something else when it rings. Let them leave a voice message and you can call them right back. But you’re in control.
Mikelann, I finally made it to your blog and am loving it. Here’s the direct link to the videos mentioned in this post…it took a few clicks to find them now that there’s more content on their site.
http://www.whitneyandwyatt.com/videos/underearn_0807/pt1/player.html Yes, I remember my good (male)friend saying he who speaks first looses, by all means Michele keep your mouth shut during negotiation. I remember being nervous, and practiced a lot of what you mentioned, the “pregnant pause”, asking for more, starting higher then I wanted to be. I ended up making $20K more than my last job and started with 3 weeks vacation. Of course now I’m self employed and negotiation looks quite different. Regards, Michele
Very nice article. Thank you, Mikelann.
I learned this lesson long ago from my British Godmother–it impressed me that she always said she would get back to me/us/whomever–she never once just blurted out enthusiastically (or otherwise) “Sure”. It’s such a good practice.
I’m happy to be reminded of this simple and effective lesson.